I remember where I was when I found the lump

First, let me defend my husband, not that he really needs defending.. sometimes it's better to set the stage correctly than change incorrect perceptions later on. My husband was wonderful during my cancer treatments. He did the best that he could. In retrospect, he could have done better - and the only reason he didn't do better is because I was difficult. I'm not apologizing for being difficult, I was fighting for my life. This was new to him (new to me, too, but still.......) and I gave him little to no guidance on how to best help me. So he fumbled through blindly, figuring things out as we went along. What made me happy one day was the worst thing ever the following day. Sometimes I wanted to talk, sometimes I wanted silence. The only way he would know what I wanted was when I was agreeable - and he learned what I didn't want by my fury.

But I digress......................

February 11, 2006: The weekend couldn't have been better........... my then-finance (now husband) had already relocated to Ohio for a promotion to his company's headquarters. I was left behind in North Carolina preparing our house for sale, etc. Since it was Valentine's Day weekend, we had decided to meet in Las Vegas instead of either him flying to Raleigh or me to Dayton. So here we are - an exciting couple in an exciting city for an exciting getaway.


After a day of fun (and I also remember being hot at the craps table), I showered to get ready for a nice dinner. And it was there. Sure I shower every day - how could I have not noticed? Am I over-reacting? Does it really feel THAT different than the other side, or the other breast? Fact is, I know the answers to all those questions: it had NOT been there before, I had NOT missed it, and by the size of the hard lump I could feel, I was NOT over-reacting. I asked my husband for a second opinion..... I got a combination of blank stares mixed with the proverbial optimism "I'm sure it's nothing".


When I got home from Las Vegas, I called my OB/GYN. I was advised to wait through a cycle before jumping to conclusions. I ignored my husband's requests that I get a second opinion - and speaking of opinions, I told no one else other than him what was going on. A month passed and well, what do you know - we're moving to Ohio March 31. Now I may as well wait until I am settled in Cincinnati to find a new doctor.............


Moving is also a hassle so honestly, neither Brent nor I mentioned the white elephant "lump" for a week or two. Mind over matter; I'm strong willed, the mind can conquer anything, right? I finally asked the 3 people I knew in the entire area code of 513 for a referral... I did call but the first appointment I could get with a new doctor was on Monday, May 8th. Again, my denial - I told no one - not even the appointment scheduling nurse of my concerns. But as soon as the doctor felt the lump, he said it wasn't normal, didn't feel right and I needed to have a mammogram as soon as possible.



From the doctor's office on that May 8th appointment, I headed straight to the airport for a business trip.... the entire flight from Dayton to DFW I contemplated how I would tell my Brent.

When I got to my hotel in DFW, I called to check in with Brent - still not sure how/when to bring this up........ he made the decision easy for me because he had news of his own: one of his close high school friends died that day from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

And so began my internalizing emotions surrounding my health.

Cancer sucks

It cannot all be in vain. This trauma; the pain, the emotional toll it took on me, my family, friends. It CANNOT be in vain - I won't let it be in vain. I have insight. I have empathy. I might even have a few answers.



I am finally ready to talk about it - 4 years 10 months later. I'm finally ready to open up.



Why now?

* I realized that to the world, I am no longer a cancer patient.

* People in the grocery store do not know that I survived 18+ months of the hardest chemo cocktail on the market.

* I started a new job in August 2010 and no one in my office knows I ever even had cancer.

* My doctor did not overly object when I took myself OFF a medication.



All that seems like good things, right? All of those are external. I'm ready to open up because internally, in my head, I'm still struggling. And I have to do something before it takes me down, destroys my marriage, career and friendships.



Pre-cancer, I was one of the toughest cookies you would meet. During my battle against death, I never came across as weak, I never even considered the fact that I might not "win" and beat this thing. But today... today. Well, today I am pretty darn scared; I am more vulnerable than I want to be; I am certainly still bitter and angry.



And today, I am ready to move on.



If you or someone you love has a life-threatening disease, you are not alone - neither is your mother, husband, or best friend. Please join me as I reflect and now grow. Do not let my suffering be in vain.