Side Effects

So fast forward ......... blah, blah, blah ............  I have cancer (again); I've gone through surgery; started chemo.  Now what?  Now is when the fun really starts.

This week is my 2nd week in the cycle so I'm feeling pretty decent.  Wanted to take advantage of that & meet a friend for dinner.  I ate shrimp.  Since when is my menu choice important?  This time it is critical, because within an hour or so post-dinner, my hands (mostly between the forefingers and thumbs of each hand) were red and burning and swollen.  Am I allergic to shrimp?  Thankfully no, but it is another stupid side effect.

The list of side effects that you (or your loved one) may experience while undergoing chemotherapy is long.  Long.  Like a mile long.

My doctor's office did a good job @ Chemo Education. We joked & called it "Chemo 101" because we felt like it was a beginners class2.   In retrospect, though, it was helpful.  However, short of the Chemo Education nurse moving in with me, it is impossible to discuss every potential side effect.  I'm experiencing something called "Hand-Foot Syndrome".  Medically speaking, when the chemo is administered, small amounts (very small amounts) can leak out of the smallest capillaries and cause redness on palms and feet.  It looks like a bad sunburn and is exasperated by heat.

What they did not tell me is the things that could have been avoided to perhaps prevent this from happening...........  Don't take long, hot soaking baths.  Hear that chemo patients?  While you are not feeling well, don't do anything relaxing - like a bath.  It may give you a side effect.  Other things that can potential cause it?  Exercise or over-gripping tools like a rake (or a golf club).  Greattttttttt.... on those days that I am feeling better, I should now avoid prolonged bouts of walking, raking leaves or golfing.  This shit just keeps getting better.

I did notice that my feet were hurting a bit the other day, but I definitely have it more in my hands than feet.

Point is ..........  There are no less than 5000 possible side effects of chemotherapy, depending on your cocktail.  They will discuss maybe 50 of them with you.  When one of the remaining 4950 happens to you, don't panic.  Call your doctor and let them tell you it's normal and there's nothing they can do.

Good luck and Godspeed.

The Waiting Game ......

I discussed earlier that I was "re-diagnosed" with cancer pretty much by accident.  When you have had Stage IV cancer & suspicious nodules show up in your lungs, it is not a huge surprise to hear "your cancer is back".  However, in my situation, I had been doing well.  Hadn't I?  I had remained cancer free longer than expected.  I am still good.  Right?

Wrong.

From July 11 - November 23, 2014, we knew there were foreign bodies growing inside me and we assumed they were cancer cells, but what type?  Is the receptor status the same as before?  Was this a brand new primary cancer, maybe lung cancer (versus breast cancer that has spread to the lungs)?  So many questions.... Know what answers the doctors gave me?  Let's wait.  For 4, FOUR flippin' months, the doctors suggested we wait.  Don't do anything.  Should I start exercising more to build up tolerance?  Should I rest more to save my strength?  Nope.  Do nothing different.  Just wait.  

I have never had anything more frustrating and nerve racking than being told to "just wait".  This should not have been breaking news to me (hey, I know me and I like me) but I am a horrible "just wait" kind of person.  

But wait I did.  From July 11 til the day before Thanksgiving 2014.  During that time, I took vacations.  I worked.  I had fun with friends.  I prayed.  I kept hoping with each scan that somehow this would be a bad dream and the identified nodules would be gone.  One of the larger nodules was near the outside of the lung (relatively easily accessible) and could be reached for a needle biopsy.  

They were not gone.  And 2 minutes before Thanksgiving dinner (for my family, the night before-Thanksgiving-dinner), we got the call:  pathology is back.  Breast cancer that has metastasized into my lungs.  

I have cancer.  Again.  

How I discovered the recurrence - - and my firm belief that divine intervention is real

How this new round started:  I guess it is ok to publicly say that I work for IBM (though all tweets & every other thought is my own!).  I travel.  I travel a lot... sometimes every week.  So this past summer, I was in Austin, Texas for meetings and was awaken with the sharpest imaginable pain.  I thought I was possibly having an appendicitis attack - it was that bad.  I was in a hotel, in a new city and almost called 911.  But I didn't.  I made it home.

When I arrived home the next day, the pain didn't really go away.  Because I am the healthiest stage IV cancer patient ever, I do not have a PCP (primary care physician for you amateurs! :) )  I called the local urgent care who told me they did not have MRI/CT capability, only x-ray so I should consider going to the hospital emergency room.  Instead, I called my then (not now; blog for another day on "how to choose your best medical team") oncologist.  He was able to get my scheduled for a CT scan right away.

Good news!  My appendix looked great!  However, the abdomen/pelvic CT goes up high enough to get a "free peek" at the lower lungs.  Bad news!  There were 3 identifiable nodules that looked like metastatic recurrence of my prior breast cancer.

And so it begins....... Again............

The next week was a PET scan which is able to view the entire body.  The 3 nodules now appear to be 7, maybe 8.  Nodules, by definition, are smaller than tumors; less than 1 cm.  But still, 7 or 8 of them (in both lungs, by the way), is not very reassuring.

We had to go through the difficult conversations of telling friends and family that we have to fight this....... Again..........

But the real good news?? Since that day, my so-called appendix has been pain free.  I mean completely. pain. free.  What caused the pain that took me into the doctor that saw the "free peek" that, blah, blah, de blah...?? Why yes, I do believe that it was fate, and that God played a part in creating a pain so severe that I got off my slack butt and had a scan that I was 9+ months overdue for.  If prayer can get me re-diagnosed at the right time, prayer can heal me and inspire my doctors on the right course of treatment.  Yes, I fully believe that.

"It" is back... and so is my blog

Ok - here is the background.  I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2006.  I finished my initial round(s) of treatment & surgeries by late 2007.  I did some moderate follow-up (as suggested by the team of doctors) for several years.... and in (I think) 2011, I decided I wanted to start this blog to share my experience with others.  I quickly learned that (1) - I have a lot to say and am not a bad writer; but (2) - I hate talking about cancer almost as much as I hated going through the process.

Fast forward:  mid-2014.  Cancer is back.  I will go through how I discovered this (by total accident) but now I am convinced than ever that I have a story to share.  So, blog revived.  Here I go..............

I remember where I was when I found the lump

First, let me defend my husband, not that he really needs defending.. sometimes it's better to set the stage correctly than change incorrect perceptions later on. My husband was wonderful during my cancer treatments. He did the best that he could. In retrospect, he could have done better - and the only reason he didn't do better is because I was difficult. I'm not apologizing for being difficult, I was fighting for my life. This was new to him (new to me, too, but still.......) and I gave him little to no guidance on how to best help me. So he fumbled through blindly, figuring things out as we went along. What made me happy one day was the worst thing ever the following day. Sometimes I wanted to talk, sometimes I wanted silence. The only way he would know what I wanted was when I was agreeable - and he learned what I didn't want by my fury.

But I digress......................

February 11, 2006: The weekend couldn't have been better........... my then-finance (now husband) had already relocated to Ohio for a promotion to his company's headquarters. I was left behind in North Carolina preparing our house for sale, etc. Since it was Valentine's Day weekend, we had decided to meet in Las Vegas instead of either him flying to Raleigh or me to Dayton. So here we are - an exciting couple in an exciting city for an exciting getaway.


After a day of fun (and I also remember being hot at the craps table), I showered to get ready for a nice dinner. And it was there. Sure I shower every day - how could I have not noticed? Am I over-reacting? Does it really feel THAT different than the other side, or the other breast? Fact is, I know the answers to all those questions: it had NOT been there before, I had NOT missed it, and by the size of the hard lump I could feel, I was NOT over-reacting. I asked my husband for a second opinion..... I got a combination of blank stares mixed with the proverbial optimism "I'm sure it's nothing".


When I got home from Las Vegas, I called my OB/GYN. I was advised to wait through a cycle before jumping to conclusions. I ignored my husband's requests that I get a second opinion - and speaking of opinions, I told no one else other than him what was going on. A month passed and well, what do you know - we're moving to Ohio March 31. Now I may as well wait until I am settled in Cincinnati to find a new doctor.............


Moving is also a hassle so honestly, neither Brent nor I mentioned the white elephant "lump" for a week or two. Mind over matter; I'm strong willed, the mind can conquer anything, right? I finally asked the 3 people I knew in the entire area code of 513 for a referral... I did call but the first appointment I could get with a new doctor was on Monday, May 8th. Again, my denial - I told no one - not even the appointment scheduling nurse of my concerns. But as soon as the doctor felt the lump, he said it wasn't normal, didn't feel right and I needed to have a mammogram as soon as possible.



From the doctor's office on that May 8th appointment, I headed straight to the airport for a business trip.... the entire flight from Dayton to DFW I contemplated how I would tell my Brent.

When I got to my hotel in DFW, I called to check in with Brent - still not sure how/when to bring this up........ he made the decision easy for me because he had news of his own: one of his close high school friends died that day from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

And so began my internalizing emotions surrounding my health.

Cancer sucks

It cannot all be in vain. This trauma; the pain, the emotional toll it took on me, my family, friends. It CANNOT be in vain - I won't let it be in vain. I have insight. I have empathy. I might even have a few answers.



I am finally ready to talk about it - 4 years 10 months later. I'm finally ready to open up.



Why now?

* I realized that to the world, I am no longer a cancer patient.

* People in the grocery store do not know that I survived 18+ months of the hardest chemo cocktail on the market.

* I started a new job in August 2010 and no one in my office knows I ever even had cancer.

* My doctor did not overly object when I took myself OFF a medication.



All that seems like good things, right? All of those are external. I'm ready to open up because internally, in my head, I'm still struggling. And I have to do something before it takes me down, destroys my marriage, career and friendships.



Pre-cancer, I was one of the toughest cookies you would meet. During my battle against death, I never came across as weak, I never even considered the fact that I might not "win" and beat this thing. But today... today. Well, today I am pretty darn scared; I am more vulnerable than I want to be; I am certainly still bitter and angry.



And today, I am ready to move on.



If you or someone you love has a life-threatening disease, you are not alone - neither is your mother, husband, or best friend. Please join me as I reflect and now grow. Do not let my suffering be in vain.